New York Lottery

Now we know where the money for the NY lottery comes from; Puppies poop it out.

I found this over at photoshopdisasters.blogspot.com/. They've got some great stuff, the title speaks for itself.

Rememberings

I knew this girl growing up. She was one of those super smart kids, won every science fair, top of our class academically. She was also above all the cliques, nice to everyone, therefore, receded into the background of teenage hierarchy.
Later a few years out of school, I heard she was dating the Burger King, the guy in the ads and in-store appearences. I wonder if the got married? I wonder if this is her?

Dead Fly Art

What a great idea for that collection in your windowsill.

Home Again

I Got home the other day from a 10 day trip to Virginia having spent a few days in the "historic triangle," and the rest in Virginia Beach. Never having been to Williamsburg and Jamestown, I had to do the tour. Williamsburg, although impressive as it was, wasn't the pinnacle of historic preservation that I've always been led to believe. It is, on the other hand, a masterful merchandising and marketing machine.

Jamestown, however, is really a rush. The site of the first English settlement in the New World, it's an ongoing archaeological dig with most everything left as it was. It appears America was first settled by a corporate funded expedition with the goal of establishing big tobacco in Virginia, utilizing eminent domain over the indigenous population, and later exploiting slave labor to maximize profits. King James gave the Virginia company his blessing, as long as they named everything they found after him and his family. Fascinating stuff.

The first 105 settlers didn't do so well, due to weather, pesky Indians (except Pocahontas), and the fact they set up on the edge of a swamp. I know how they felt. It was soooo #$@&%* hot down there that I was sure I lost 20 lbs. from sweating buckets. However, I think I gained 20 lbs. from consuming a case of beer a day trying to cool off. The settlers, lacking beer, died of thirst 'cause they couldn't drink the water from the swamp. (I just prefer beer over boring plain water.) Which brings me to what I love about Virginia. In Virginia, one can buy beer and wine in any supermarket, which to a Pennsylvanian, where we party like it's 1699, is pure nirvana, kid in a candy store stuff, bliss, heaven. Gas is also 20 cents cheaper and cigarettes are free. (*disclaimer: no, they're not really free, I don't smoke, but they're really cheap if you do.)

So, the beach was great, big waves, because of the hurricane making its' way up the coast, and I fled town just in time to miss the storms. The place I stayed was the site of the "largest s'more ever", according to the Guiness Book, imagine that.

How did we get to this from the real one up top?

Ungions

Did you ever go through life mispronouncing some words, totally oblivious to their correct pronunciation until somebody corrects you, then you feel like a true idiot? A classic example is the nuclear/nucular screwup.
Well, I found out last week that when speaking of an onion, I pronounce it "ungion". Huh? I do not! Yes you do, there's no "ung" like "hung". So, I've been trying to retrain myself to say onion properly, and it's really hard.
Now, if I could just stop saying "expresso".

On the Go

It's busy here in the Summertime. There's always so much going on, places to go, people to see. Work slacks off (however unaffordable), nights are longer, alcohol consumption rises, fish are jumpin' and the cotton is high. Blogging and any keyboard activity, (along with my attention span) however declines, in my case anyway, and my measly posts have become even more sporadic. But, I had to break from my busy schedule and share with you a recent purchase that every on-the-go person will find useful.

Another Holiday, working by accident

It's Friday, July 3rd, and I'm at work. Last night I found out that today is the unofficial, everybody's closed holiday before the actual holiday. It never occurred to me to close up Friday because Saturday is Independence Day. If July 4th falls on a Wednesday or Thursday, everyone just takes the one day off. A lot of folks may use vacation time around the holiday, but it's not general protocol to take two official days off. I'm sure this clueless move on my part is due to my being self employed, I don't have disgruntled coworkers to feel cheated about losing a holiday because it falls on a Saturday. And who decided we should make Friday the extended holiday? I thought that the default day was Monday's privilage when a holiday falls on a weekend. What are we gonna do next year when Indy Day falls on Sunday? So, I woke up this morning and sure enough, all my neighbors were home. All week I had clients say they would see me on Friday, I said okay, so I'm here. Duh.

No latex

Whenever I feel like touchin' stuff, I get out my special gloves just made for touchin' stuff.
OK, I've got a confession, I put the 'S' on the box with a marker. Really had you goin' there for a minute, didn't I? I know, sorry, it's lame, but c'mon, it's Sunday night, it's late and we can't all be witty all the time.

Fun with scissors

Did you ever do this? When we were prurient pubescents, (as opposed to the now immature adults), we would cut and paste the Land O Lakes indian princess from this...



To this....



Now, what made me think of that?

Memorial Day Past

See? Doesn't that look homey? The couple camping next to me seemed to have nothing but a tent barely large enough for two and a pot. They seemed content though.

Holiday!

In past years, I've usually opted to stay close to home over Memorial Day. But during the depths of a crappy February, desperate for any glimmer of warmer weather, I made reservations for the first camping trip of the summer. So, heading out early to join the masses, I'll leave you with one of the more moving and poignant scenes from modern cinema.

Dog sitting, late for work

I was late for work today and it was indirectly due to another West Chester blogger. Mary, who writes WC Dish, has a top ten burger review, and it planted a subliminal seed. Last night, after my son's baseball game, I suggested we go to Five Guys, my absolute favorite burger joint. I knew I would pay the gastric gods, but Five Guys are just so burgerlicious. A friend suggested I just bypass the middleman and toss the thing in the toilet. So it took me some more personal time this morning, so what. It was worth it.

This is Bella, (no Twilight connection).
I dogsat (dogsitted?) her last week and she's a sweetie. However, you may notice she's a miniature poodle, which if not careful, can ruin a guy's reputation. I'm grateful she was not newly shorn in her frou-frou poodley cut. Imagine driving up in a manly black pick-up truck with a little fluffy thing poking it's nose out the window. I got through the few days unscathed, but got a few odd looks when I took her out for walks wearing a trench coat, hat and sunglasses.
She's also food obsessed. This dog would suffer through a bowl of mashed lima beans if she saw me eating them. (well, if he's eating them, they must be good!)

Awesome commercial

Some things you just gotta share. What a great commercial, (must be European, it would never get past the U.S. censors). This is art, I tell ya.

nutzos

My mom, being a good Christian woman, taught us kids that mutual respect was a God-given right and we should treat everyone accordingly. She was obviously speaking in a time before the state institutions were closed and all the crazies were let loose to roam the streets. These folks have a sixth sense, a radar, that can detect an empathetically raised individual from blocks away. Example, ME.
Last night I’m walking into Sam’s Club and I am immediately accosted by Crazy Cindy the Greeter. Yes, I know some of these people by reputation. She launches into a diatribe about can someone be prosecuted for calling and hanging up ? And it’s not her it’s someone else, but maybe her phone’s tapped, not her phone, but another’s phone, and she just has to know and, …and soon I’m going cross-eyed and inching away., saying “Aren’t you supposed to check those people’s membership cards?” This woman also must be in her mid 50’s, but dresses like a 14 year old and wears electric blue contact lenses. I once saw her riding through town on a little kid’s bike. So, this morning I’m approached by Crazy Eddie the window washer. If he takes his (I’m assuming) meds he’s usually only half crazy, but today he was in full bore muttering loonyness. Ranting about freeloading roomates, druggies, and God making it rain and comparing it to feminine hygiene, cheap millionaires asking for favors, eeeeah! I really gotta get to work, Eddie, I’m gonna be late. He starts to follow, but decides to seek some other soul in the opposite direction. Thank God. I’m now hiding in my office thinking I should eat in for lunch today.

Redneck Potatoe Chips

I got too busy last week or so to post, so I've gotta catch up a bit here. My sister sent me these chips up from Florida, having discovered them and needing to share. God, they're so good and addicting. I try to limit my intake of chips as they're like mainlineing fat and empty calories, and I don't want to hurt my boyish figure, but these may be my downfall. I should be thankful that they're not available in this state, yet.

Sex in West Chester, PA

There's this little sex shop in our town of West Chester, PA, which has been open for about a year now. The proprieter took a lot of heat from the town's moral biddies and a local Catholic priest who tried unsuccessfully to shut her down. Her shop is really rather demure, and anything possibly offensive is safely hidden away in a back room. Victoria's Secret in your local mall is more controversial comparatively. She prevailed over the forces of suppression and censorship and is happily destroying the morals of West Chester, one vibrator at a time. The daily dig is the sandwich board outside. Makes 'em faint dead away.

Memorable Marketing Blunders

Besieged by a weight loss product named "Alli" online last night brought to mind a short lived, what were they thinking, diet suppressant from the early 80's. Apologies to those in the know.

It's Earth Day!

I love Earth, it's my home, but it's not good to eat. When I was four or five I filled an empty M&M's bag with earth and ate it to impress a girl. I remember being very sick afterward. But even more important, my calendar informs me today is also "Administrative Professionals Day!" (and it must be important, since there are no other special days on the calendar this month except Easter, Passover, Good Friday and Palm Sunday) So, besides giving the earth a big kiss, I think I get one too. It might be a stretch, but being self-employed, do I not administrate? Who designates these special days? Does the President sign them into law with much fanfare and a special pen? Leafing ahead in the calendar, I notice October 16th is "National Boss's Day", right up there with Halloween and Columbus Day. Gosh, I can hardly wait.

Ahhh, but to camp.

I love camping, the smell of wood smoke, communing with nature, long walks in the woods, drinking too much beer, dancing naked around the campfire under the stars.
A few years ago I bought a pop-up camper. After a lifetime of tenting, sleeping on the ground and feeling like a sponge after a big rain, I decided I really wanted a bit more comfort. I felt conflicted, having been a diehard camping snob, (if you can't carry it on your back, it ain't camping), so I compromised. I found this little trailer, basically a tent on wheels, and which complimented my thrifty nature perfectly. There's no stove or fridge or toilet or shower, nothing the bigger campers have, but it does have lots of storage and a mattress and a roof. I just love it, (screw all you camping snobs, I know you're secretly envious). The first time I was camping in a downpour, snug in my bunk, listening to the sound of the rain cascading off the canvas, I knew I had made the right decision. Now, about those bears...

Stop, it burns!

(cowering) What is that flaming, blinding orb in the sky? Oh. It's the sun, welcome back! After what has seemed like weeks of rain, we emerge blinking and cautiously like Munchkins from our caves into what appears to be Spring. I knew when the skies cleared, spring would explode all at once causing everyone here in the burbs to panic run to the garden centers with an over consuming need to mulch. Soon acres will be covered with the ubiquitous beauty bark in an attempt to bury the scorched earth of winter. I think it should be made in colors, then your home really could look like OZ.

Auction highlights

I went to a silent auction last night at my nieces high school. The junior class has one each year to raise money for activities and things. The students go around weeks before and cajole, beg and guilt parents and local businesses into donating stuff for the auction. I figured we'd bid on some T shirts or used books, something I could always use, But Noooo, there were Flyers hockey tickets, Phillies tickets, signed baseballs, Jimmy Buffett tickets!. Touch screen Ipod, vacation condos, limousine services, spas and the like. Jeez. (crotchety old man voice), "When I was in high school, we sold candy bars, magazines and stuff we made outa popsicle sticks." I spent thirty dollars or so on tickets and didn't get anything and wasn't ready to part with $200 for Buffett tickets. Needless to say, this isn't an underprivileged and impoverished school district. But they did raise a shitload of money.

TV or not TV

I don't watch "reality" shows. Can't get into them, don't pay much attention. So, when the show "The Biggest Loser" started showing up, I just thought the obvious. Who wants to watch a show about losers? I figured it was a show about people who slacked or screwed up so bad that it was up to a crew of TV professionals to help straighten 'em out and get their life in order. It was a big "Ooohh" when I found out it was about seriously fat people losing weight.
However, I really like the show reaper. It's about a guy who's father sold his soul to the devil and on his 21st birthday has to become a bounty hunter for satan, catching escaped souls from hell. (The girl with the puppy dog eyes is a plus). I'm hoping it doesn't go the way of other shows on the CW (formally WB) network. They all start out with good imaginative intentions then degenerate into teen soap operas. Like Buffy for example. By the end of the third season, everyone on the show was some sort of slayer, demon, witch, warlock, there wasn't a mortal left in the whole cast. Slaying took a backseat to dating. Same with the witch sisters of "Charmed". A friend of mine insists "Smallville" is close to the comic book but i'm skeptical.

RIP Harry Kalas

The voice of baseball in Philadelphia, Harry Kalas, passed away yesterday. If you grew up here and even really didn't follow the Phillies, his voice was instantly recognizable. It was the sound of Summer and early fall, coming from the TV in the other room, out of car windows, shops and bars. He will be surely missed.

narcism training

I'm thinking that the ability to put stuff out there that everyone needs to read requires a bit of the inner narcisist. Being a generally humble guy and one of the shy people, I feel I need some tools. I found this handy chart., I think it will help

Hey, it's Good Friday!

When I was a kid, a lot of the stores would close between 12 and 3 PM on Good Friday (if you lived in a proper WASPy neighborhood). I think the idea was, you were supposed to go to church and contemplate the time Jesus hung on the cross. My dad owned a hardware store and since everyone there was a heathen, my dad and all the store employees would walk over to the local bar which conveniently did not close. The result of the three hours spent in the bar was, of course, everyone returned to work at 3:00 totally shitfaced. I remember one guy who worked there could hardly stand up, let alone wait on the customers who were waiting outside for the doors to reopen. Ahh, childhood memories. Nothing like religious abstinence.

Technologically challenged

I'll bet all these bloggers I read have those cell phones with typewriter keyboards on 'em. Cameras too. Internet access. Anytime anywhere. That's how they keep up with this stuff.
I do have a cell phone, but there's this little crank on the side that you have to wind to get a dial tone. Of course it only costs me 15 bucks a month, whereas if I had all that other stuff, I bet it's a minimum of 50.00 a month. I'm not cheap mind you, just thrifty.

This is hard

I signed up with this blog thing cause I wanted to leave comments on another's site and I didn't want to be mr. anonymous. So now that I have this thing here, I feel pressured to write something. How people tap the ability to type away with wit and wimsy in entertaining streams amazes me.

Yay! new blog!

Just getting started, I'm new to this, so allow me a bit of time here. Thanks!